Our New Pet

My daughter has been buggin me for a dog so, on her birthdy, we went to the animal shelter to pick one out. She found one she liked and when we found out he was already an emergency rescue dog, I felt like I had to return the favor somehow. "Thank you, Lincoln, for rescuing all those missing persons. I know your talents, for the most part, weren't utilized on missing children and were mostly wasted on rich skiiers trapped in snow banks. But get in the backseat and have a Snausage big guy."

Turns out he was also one of those dogs that could detect cancer in people. He could actually sniff out cancer in humans, which had to make the doctors feel really stupid. All this advanced cutting edge technology and the best thing you have to detect cancer barks at the microwave and falls for the laser pointer trick every time!! Every time never fails!! You know Pavlov's dogs are rolling in their graves right now. "That damn bell!! I knew it sounded familiar but i never wanted to say anything!!" Dogs are famous on YouTube for being dumb but all they have to do is a little sniff sniff here and there and bam! Cancer.

And this dog greets me at the door every day in normal dog fashion, by sniffing my crotch. Now that I know his expertise it makes me a little nervous. Cause he'll look up at me like "I know this is a no no but I'm a dog. I kinda have to." And I'm like "No no get in there. Have a look see. Figure it out".

I get a free screening every day in the comfort of my own home. And there's no copay. Happy birthday honey.

Jason Thompson

A Hooter's Christmas and a Handout

I'm sitting in Hooter's waiting for my mom and my sister, Juli. Their idea not mine. I'm surrounded by a bunch of "good ol' boys" who, apparently, don't know that hitting on a waitress with big titties (most of them actually aren't that big) is about as cliche as their taste in polo shirts and pleated khakis. Oh well, I'll sit and visit, eat, hug necks goodbye, and throw myself into the bowels of the Christmas mall across the street and forget about these average tittied, flat assed, suburban hookers....sorry..."Hooters" girls and their good old Duke Boys sittin' around feeling like they're in a real life country music video. "This is tha' life!" painted on their faces and stitched into their ball caps. That's enough. I'm being mean and it's not very Christmas of me.

I really have to start showing more gratitude in my life; focusing on positive and clear pictures for my future. I'm very fortunate in my place in life. But I need to fill more than just my place. I will start preparing myself for a bigger place to fill. And when it comes I will fill it with gratitude. Thirty two is a bit too young to turn Scrooge, just yet.

And I will leave the Hooter's girl a good tip. Not because of her average "hooters" and washboard booty; but because she has to walk around work all day knowing that guys like me are writing about those boobies in our fancy iPhones and posting it to our status on every "ME! ME! ME!" website on the internet, while we sit all alone in a Hooter's corner booth, waiting for our mom to show up....

Jason Thompson
12/22/2008

Senior Citizen Felines and a Stab at Blogging

I'm sitting here on the porch as it rains watching the cat licking a cardboard box. She's old and senile so maybe she thinks she's licking her foot. Or maybe she's just not that smart. She's so old her meow doesn't sound like a meow anymore. It's more of a hollow whine that sounds like an old rotary phone ringing from inside a toilet. It's very close to the sound of those dogs that you see on YouTube that can supposedly talk. I know she's missing some teeth so that might have something to do with it. I'm more of a dog person so it's easy for me to speak of her in the third person while she sits right here next to me being a dumb cat, oblivious to her deteriorating state. To her credit she can still kick any cat's ass in this neighborhood. Her toothless meow probably scares other cats into thinking she's crazy. She is licking a cardboard box so maybe she is crazy. This old, haggard, lesbian, box licking cat's got street cred and she knows it. She could win a fight by just licking a garden gnome's asshole. I wouldn't fuck with anyone crazy enough to lick a garden gnome's asshole....EVER.

Jason Thompson
5/2/2009