Before I got into comedy I was going to college to be a teacher. At the time I thought it’d be the best job for me. I’d spend nine months teaching and influencing future generations while spending the summer eating handfulls of LSD and streaking through nudist colonies…fully clothed, ofcourse.
I wanted to teach Kindergarden cause I thought it’d be easy. I’d show up in the morning throw a coloring book in front of ‘em, tell them to stay in the lines, and then go smoke out with the janitor. Show up a couple hours later, eat some animal crackers, do an eight ball, and go to recess. I’d be the cool teacher that could keep up with them on the playground. And when it was nap time, I could sniff all the glue I wanted. Ya know, to make sure it was safe for them to eat. It’s like handing out needles at a free clinic. They’re gonna do it any way. There were a lot of things we had as kids that later translated to drugs. I got my first bag of cocaine at the age of 6. It had Fun Dip written across the front and came with the little dip-stick so you could duck out into the bathroom and get a little bump before P.E. By age 7 I was speed ballin’ that shit with Pixie Stix just so I could finish my sit up test.
But after a while the whole college thing didn’t make sense to me. I mean if getting a degree was such a great thing, why was it gonna take me 4 years of college to learn what it takes a 5 year old one year of grade school to learn? That’s not right. For one, I’ve already gone through Kindergarden…a couple of times…I don’t need my students coming up to me at the end of the year, “Uh, well, that was easy. What took YOU so long, dumbass?”, their snotstreaks flaking off into my Bailey’s and coffee.
So I’m tellin’ my mom this and she says to me “Well, Jason. You know their minds are like sponges, they just soak up everything.”
Their minds are like sponges? I’ve never understood that expression. All that means to me as that you have to hold them down to keep them under water. AND YA’ DO. They’re fighters.
That’s just a weird expression to me because we’re talking about “the children” here. They’re minds, the most precious commodity known to man, hold they key to the future of our planet. And for whatever reason we want to compare them to the dumbest animal in the ocean. I mean I know a sponge can look like a brain but they don’t have brains. Which is probably a good thing because if they did, they’d have a terribly low collective self esteem. You’d have a bunch of sponges at the bottom of the ocean crying “I’m never gonna soak up all this water!!!”.
